Sunday, August 21, 2016

Rainy Days

These past couple of months have been weird for me. At first I thought this year was finally going to be a good year for me. It was for the first half of the year.

Let’s just say that life has not been kind to me for a long time; too long that I care to remember. No, I have not suffered extreme poverty or starvation; those people deserve a lot more attention and help than I do. But what I have been through has been physically painful and emotionally draining and vice versa.

It began when I stumbled upon a couple of upsetting information in late June and again in mid August. It’s a little bit complicated to explain, but let’s just say that I had my heart crushed and it’s not overly exaggerated to say that, that was literally what I felt.

For almost a couple of months my heart rate has been going over a hundred or hovering around ninety regularly at certain points of the day, reaching 126 bpm one time [and I was not doing any running or strenuous activities] going down when it’s time to sleep, which was difficult following the discoveries. I’m constantly tired, and when my heart rate the highest, my body literally feels like it’s been sucked out of its energy and I can’t bring myself to walk around, which is one of my favourite things to do. At times, I'll sleep more than seven hours per day, a few times fetching ten hours or more, which is unusual for me. Sometimes I'll wake up from sleep trembling or shivering and will tremble at times during the day. The shivering is unlike what you get when it’s cold when your muscles contract; but the whole body seems to vibrate on the inside. This, sometimes is accompanied with headaches. Breathing is not as freely; at times out of breath. Sometimes I can feel my heart jumps, such that it feels like it's going to leap out. And sometimes it feels like my heart is in my throat; and when it's really bad I have to make a point to do the deep breathing exercise. And I’m not even going to talk about the crying.

This, I have to admit, is not the first time I have experienced such a condition. The first time was when my brother was hospitalised back in 2014. Some symptoms, not including the trembling, I started to experience even before that.

My problem is that I ‘feel’ too much. Believe it or not, this often results in me being accused of being heartless - or devoid of feelings according to my mom - because I tend to not to react or cry over a heartbreaking situation or sad stories especially when there are people around - I avoid sad stories; movies, books, you name it; even documentaries. What usually happen is a delayed reaction when I’m alone and feel safe to let it all out.

I don’t know if my recent condition is due to these recent events or years of compounded misery, so to speak. I’m thinking it’s the latter and triggered by my brother’s health condition and those two discoveries I spoke of.

I’ve always been a proponent of truth, but this time truth has hit me and hit me real hard; and life has gone out of its way to mock me in the process.

For those who are wondering, no, I’m not doing drugs and I don’t have a history of drug use; I don’t even take painkillers when I have a headache unless it’s absolutely necessary.


There’s no light at the end of the tunnel for me yet, and I won’t be holding my breath for obvious reasons. On second thought, there might be light if I hold my breath long enough… just kidding, I can’t - your brain just won’t let you.

I have a morbid sense of humour sometimes.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Meet My Mattes

The Good, The Bad and The Better
For someone with oily skin, ‘matte’ is a good word; so is for someone who doesn’t care much for 'shiny', 'sparkly' or 'glossy'. You can guess that's me. 

Makeup-wise, I used to own several mattes, but these three are what I currently use. 

The Good Matte

I call this my ‘Goldilocks’ lipstick; everything is not too 'this' or 'that'. I can't believe that I have just one of these, which is in Mat4. What I love the most is the texture of this lipstick; it spreads evenly and nicely on my lips and doesn't clump or settle in the crease. I can put it on with or without a lip balm and I won’t feel too dry, which some mattes can produce especially from the older versions. What I have learned is that it is best to wear this without a lip balm for staying power, so to speak, but treat your lips with lip balm beforehand - ideally overnight or a few hours before application - and then remove the lip balm right before application. The colour is, as the name suggests, quite bold but you can layer on to get a more intense effect or just a light layer, or a layer of a lighter lipstick shade before putting these on if you don’t feel like having bold lips.

The Bad Matte

I believe something is only as bad [or as good] as with what you compare it to. This lip colour or coloured balm is not bad per se but my least favourite of the bunch. First of all, let me just put out there what I like about this lip colour. I like the smell; there’s a slight minty smell and when you put it on there’s a very slight cooling effect. And I like the colour that I bought, in 'Elusive'. It stops there. I'm not too crazy about the texture; it doesn’t spread as evenly; there's slight clumping or bunching, and I find the balm accentuates crease in a bad way. To minimise all of the above I'd have to use a lip brush, which I usually do. Also, blotting excess product onto a tissue will leave me with just the colour [less the unwanted 'texture'] but less product on my lips; to counteract this I repeat the layering up and blotting if I want a more intense colour.

The Better Matte

Estée Lauder Matte Perfecting Primer
Not a lipstick, still a matte. I call this the better matte. I'm dramatic that way.

I'm talking about general satisfaction of course, because comparing a primer with a lipstick would be like comparing apples and grapes [I'm giving oranges a break].

Anyway, I wrote about this primer over a year ago, but I don't think I did the primer justice back then. A lot of time have passed and I’m more in love with this primer now than I was back then. For one, it helps tremendously with my oily skin. How oily is my skin? So oily that it's on its way to open a factory in China - a big one, as big as... a large factory. The oil-controlling effect won't last forever, but if I had this primer on, the factory would be as big as... a small house. Even if oil starts to creep in after a few hours, it won't be as heavy as if you don't have the primer on.

One caveat is that, you will have to let it sink into your skin before putting on a liquid or cream foundation. On top of a moisturiser this might take a few minutes; otherwise the primer and the foundation might create a slight sticky texture which I don't quite like. Putting on your liquid or cream foundation in a dabbing motion and not drag it across your skin is what I find the best way to go.

You don't really expect a primer to treat or heal the skin like a skincare, but this primer has worked like a skin-saver for me. As in my previous post, this reminded me of Idealist Skin Refinisher - the older version since I haven't used Idealist in a long time - and which I think is the more potent of the two. I don’t get any major acne anymore but I do get little spots once in a while and sometimes a big one - you know the one you can feel it's coming but you can't see it yet. When I do get one of those, I reach for this primer and spot-treat, and I find it helps accelerate the healing process. Also, I mentioned milia in my previous post, and this primer helped get rid of that. My line of reasoning was, since the primer, like Idealist, acts like a mild exfoliator it might work to get rid of milia, since milia is just skin/keratin trapped underneath the skin.

So, these are my mattes. What's yours?