Sunday, October 30, 2016

The Healing Process

Sometimes the bandage is invisible.
When people explode or break down, it’s rarely about one simple matter; even if it’s the trigger. It’s usually an accumulative of events or problems that cause the situation.

This past few months have been difficult for me. I’ve been hit by something real and yet invisible. To discover - not just one thing - one after another and the realisation that came with it; lies, misplaced trust, shattered ideas/notions; followed by confusion, disappointment, sadness, anger. And I didn’t even do anything.

Even with it all, I'm trying to understand; and blaming myself; blaming fate; blaming luck. Due to the circumstances I’m not able to discuss the problem with anyone. And yet there are so many questions unanswered and I can’t get 'closure', which makes the healing process even more difficult.

Your brain has a way to cope with things; and like that nose on your face, it can ignore that and many other things. Some people take a longer time to heal. A painful experience is not something you can tell someone to simply get over. It’s not something an apology or many apologies can miraculously cure, especially if the wound is too deep.

I was once, a long time ago, a witness to the greatest betrayal a husband can do to a wife. Of course, many apologies came afterwards and I guess remorse was communicated, but the pain was too deep. The realisation that what’s done cannot be undone, a mix of emotions and sorrow you thought you never had, were too overwhelming. After a while, the ‘what more do you want from me’ came because there was no 'healing'. Despite the apologies, a proper healing process was never initiated. People are supposed to simply accept that people make mistakes - a point easier for the perpetrator to embrace than for the victim.

Things are getting a bit better for me. I still do sometimes wake up trembling, but the trembling is now less intense. Sometimes I'll get that 'choked-up' sensation out of nowhere, and my heart rate still goes up over a hundred when I'm supposedly at rest, but it's not an everyday occurrence anymore.

I don’t know what the right process of healing is; I'm not even sure what mine is. Maybe it’s different for everyone. Maybe you should take the challenge head on; maybe create new memories; maybe cry it out; talk it out; avoidance; or if things get worse, professional help. All I know is, there must be a process and it can’t happen overnight.