Life is Difficult

Life is difficult. It was Shinya Aoki who said it that rang a bell inside me. Not that it suddenly occurred to me that my life was difficult, but I never thought one could freely admit it or even admit it in public. And when he was asked what made it difficult, he said everything. It was then that I thought I found a soulmate... Actually, no; I simply shared something with someone I didn't know [and probably others who are not willing to admit it either publicly or not] and I was leaping [something was leaping] to say, to admit, to do something that might announce that I felt the same way.

That was a few years ago. I thought how liberating it was to be able to admit that. But it seems things like that can only be liberating and acquiring sympathy if you are successful, and yes maybe a celebrity. It seems cool that you're successful despite of the struggle or you have achieved something despite of that. But if you're still struggling and have nothing to show for... not so much.

To say that everything is difficult is not something anyone can understand especially those who believe happiness is a choice.

No one can understand what it’s like to wake up with your whole body trembling and sometimes relapse throughout the day. Or to have a lump in your throat and feel like something heavy pressing on your chest or sometimes you feel like you're going to explode. Or to struggle to get ready right from going to the toilet to getting dressed. And above all, to not have a physical disability that might be the cause of these discomforts - no one can understand this part. No. One. Oh, did I say every single day?

But then how can I even compare what I'm going through to what they have to go through in Africa or Syria. The poverty; the famine; the war. Why can't I just pick myself up and go?

How do I get out of this? When professional help is out of the question. When you have gathered the courage to finally tell someone close but they don’t think it's important enough or serious enough or that they simply can't understand. Or they simply tell you to pick yourself up and go. And then tell you that 'if you need help...'


My life deteriorated after an incident, or a series of incidents rather. Actually it was deterioration upon deterioration. As if it could not be any more shameful.

I do try to be happy and when I can't, pretend to. And try to go out more or spend time with people more often, but there's a kickback afterwards that's tiring or even depressing that makes all the hassle of getting dressed not worth the trouble.

I'm not saying Shinya Aoki is going through the exact same thing I'm going through. But I wish I could find something to make it less difficult because it feels like I can't take it anymore.