These past couple of months have been weird for me. At first I thought this year was finally going to be a good year for me. It was for the first half of the year.
Let’s just say that life has not been kind to me for a long time; too long that I care to remember. No, I have not suffered extreme poverty or starvation; those people deserve a lot more attention and help than I do. But what I have been through has been physically painful and emotionally draining and vice versa.
It began when I stumbled upon a couple of upsetting information in late June and again in mid August. It’s a little bit complicated to explain, but let’s just say that I had my heart crushed and it’s not overly exaggerated to say that, that was literally what I felt.
For almost a couple of months my heart rate has been going over a hundred or hovering around ninety regularly at certain points of the day, reaching 126 bpm one time [and I was not doing any running or strenuous activities] going down when it’s time to sleep, which was difficult following the discoveries. I’m constantly tired, and when my heart rate the highest, my body literally feels like it’s been sucked out of its energy and I can’t bring myself to walk around, which is one of my favourite things to do. At times, I'll sleep more than seven hours per day, a few times fetching ten hours or more, which is unusual for me. Sometimes I'll wake up from sleep trembling or shivering and will tremble at times during the day. The shivering is unlike what you get when it’s cold when your muscles contract; but the whole body seems to vibrate on the inside. This, sometimes is accompanied with headaches. Breathing is not as freely; at times out of breath. Sometimes I can feel my heart jumps, such that it feels like it's going to leap out. And sometimes it feels like my heart is in my throat; and when it's really bad I have to make a point to do the deep breathing exercise. And I’m not even going to talk about the crying.
This, I have to admit, is not the first time I have experienced such a condition. The first time was when my brother was hospitalised back in 2014. Some symptoms, not including the trembling, I started to experience even before that.
My problem is that I ‘feel’ too much. Believe it or not, this often results in me being accused of being heartless - or devoid of feelings according to my mom - because I tend to not to react or cry over a heartbreaking situation or sad stories especially when there are people around - I avoid sad stories; movies, books, you name it; even documentaries. What usually happen is a delayed reaction when I’m alone and feel safe to let it all out.
I don’t know if my recent condition is due to these recent events or years of compounded misery, so to speak. I’m thinking it’s the latter and triggered by my brother’s health condition and those two discoveries I spoke of.
I’ve always been a proponent of truth, but this time truth has hit me and hit me real hard; and life has gone out of its way to mock me in the process.
For those who are wondering, no, I’m not doing drugs and I don’t have a history of drug use; I don’t even take painkillers when I have a headache unless it’s absolutely necessary.
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel for me yet, and I won’t be holding my breath for obvious reasons. On second thought, there might be light if I hold my breath long enough… just kidding, I can’t - your brain just won’t let you.
I have a morbid sense of humour sometimes.